FAAAAAYYYYULLL

am in josh's place right now and our initial plan was to study, but he got hooked onto black shot and i'm on my mac so i guess it failed. HELLLLLUUUU SOMEBODEH PREPARE A PISTOL, FTES ARE IN 9 DAYS AND I AM NOT DONE WITH ANY OTHER SUBJECTS EXCEPT CHEM. (CHEM IS MY BEST FRIEND BTW)

so i've been feeling artsy-fartsy lately and i ripped my black knit yesterday and made an earring today acting like exams are over when it isnt even here yet. Wore the black knit out yesterday and it was surprisingly comfy and it fitted me well HOOOOORAH!

(pictures below hyehyehye) & i made the earring without pliers, just fingers. A clap for that?

speaking of yesterday, dad and i went on a bus ride at night to whitesands so that i can stock up on my undies/knickers and get some stationary while dad got snacks for coco. But that's beside the point, he sort of talked me out of being too conscious about my weight and i opened up to him quite a bit yesterday, saying that i've recently thought of being anorexic just so i could feed my craving for a skinny body. But, i guess it's not the best option.

AND I WENT OVER TO HAVE POPIAH AND JOSH'S PLACE WITH HIS FAMILY TODAY HA HA HA OH THE IRONY

i guess that's all for now, i should get started on IH and start consolidating my notes.

THE FLOOR'S CURRENT STATE (YES I LIKE TO STUDY ON FLOORS)

and if you're ever wondering, yes thats a dumb-bell(is that how its spelt?) WHY DO ALL GUYS HAVE A DUMB-BELL IN THEIR ROOM???? my cousins(all my cousins are guys) have them in their rooms too ugh and several balls and a baseball bat lying around. /AWKWARD/ I HAVE FLOWERS IN MY ROOM.

GOOD VHAI

☺

I can't even study now that I'm in tears and my body feels like crap. Reading 6billionsecrets doesn't help either because almost all the things they've said were the things I've been through. Tomorrow's mum birthday and is my LC paper for FTE and I'm in crumbles, I hope it all turns out fine

Pretty lady over at the other corner

"Yours To Hold"

I see you standing here
But you're so far away
Starving for your attention
You don't even know my name

You're going through so much
But I know that I could be the one to hold you

[Chorus:]
Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold

I see you walking by
Your hair always hiding your face
I wonder why you've been hurting
I wish I had some way to say

You're going through so much
Don't you know that I could be the one to hold you

I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold

I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
I'm ready when you're ready for me

//I've always liked you from the start, but I guess you've found someone better, all these months were more than just memorable. Trust me on this, I've always noted the times we've spent time together and the things we've done together but I guess you too, deserve someone better. As much as I don't show it, I really do crave your attention, but I guess it's time to let go. Just wanted you to know that you're beautiful.

S T R E S S

Maybe I'm exaggerating but time has been pretty hard on me lately. Got to juggle between memorising my dance choreos(Swan Lake, Modern, MOD 1/2, soon-to-have funk jazz choreo, ms chiam's somewhat eccentric choreo, and soon-to-have final year choreo), my school work, and time for myself. It isnt helping when i realise that FTE's are 2 weeks away and i have modern rehearsal the day before. And instead of using the time to catch up on my school work, i painted a flower. I cant draw for nuts.

enthralling power

great great great today is great. Paramore/ellie goulding's playlist is on replay and all is good except for the fact that school is starting in 2 days time. The only time i actually revise was today for 2 hours, and that was it. Good job GC, you never fail to disappoint.

Anyway, i had my helix piercing done today and its recovering pretty quickly so far. Sorta sneaked out of the house yesterday to meet peixuan and hanyi in town cause i couldnt stand a min on my desk facing math, gone over to my granny's place for mooncakes and dinner during at night and surprisingly my mum wasnt mad. The day before was spent in town as well, with Yamin and her friend, Natalie. She was cool as hell. We spend our evening in H&M and it was so damn crowded. After being in there for 2 hours, i only got a bowler hat. Went to a sentosa after that at night for dinner, luge, and skyride. It was so satisfying.

My holidays were pretty good, and i have yet to remind myself that FTEs are in less than a months time. Kudos to GC. Time to get down to work. I decided to vlog but the video couldnt convert from AVI to MVI so too bad hahaha let the picutres do the talking.

voila~

survival is not mandatory

i've had enough of not being a filial enough daughter, a not caring enough friend, and a not good enough self. One day you'll notice the scars on my body and i dont even know what excuse to come out with. "I've so much hatred towards myself but i cant vent it on you, neither can i vent it on anyone else. So inflicted these to myself" You told me a while ago that you'll never talk to me ever and you're washing your hands off me for good and theres only 2 options, to kill yourself on your birthday in order for me snap back to reality or you're just going to let me 'rot'. It felt real, not like the other times you've said them. I've never been so scared for the arrival of your birthday, and it's just less than 10 days away. Im feel my body giving in to depression after all that continuous crying for days. I've never felt so lonely.

Wishful thinking

After much crying and dwelling over the crap I've been holding in for quite some time yesterday, I'm feeling calmer than usual today. Almost like there's serenity pumping through my veins and into every last inch of my body. Mum and I had a talk about my result this morning and about my future career. And I've got to get that mental block (which somewhat triggers my interest for science) out of my head.

All is good so far, but EOYS are in a month's time and I haven't started on my revision yet. Instead, watching cycles after cycles of ANTM and getting hysterical over its disqualifications.

Swan lake practice starts in less than and hours time and I'm still sitting on the floor typing this entry while struggling to change into my tights. I guess I better get going now.

surreal

the hate i generate towards myself:

i dislike how i get so emotionally attached to someone and it doesnt just last for a week, or a month. It usually drags up to a year or 2. It's nice to see someone you generally care about happy, but the reason behind that smile isnt because of you. Its also difficult to grow up being ___ cause it just isnt common and society hasnt fully approve of it yet. The feeling that kills the most, is having to look at the mirror and wanting to look away because i dont feel good enough about myself. How can i feel genuinely good about my looks when no one has every looked me in the eye and tell me that i'm good enough. No, not even my parents. The thing is, i've never been good enough, sensible enough or pretty enough. I come from a family that i have both my parents still together, and i'm lucky to have every meal ready on my table everytime i'm hungry and more than enough clothes in my wardrobe but i dont think anyone knows the emotional turmoil i go through everyday. Not like i'm saying these for the sake of saying it, but it pains me a lot. Having to put on a brave front everyday, or not having to be myself at all. I feel so unfillial and bratty because i come from a financially stable family and my parents both think they know their daughter well enough. But, there are just certain things i cant say and it would be better of as a secret that i can never tell anyone. Not even my best friend of 4 years and my closet childhood friend i grow up with. I guess this phase will pass really quickly and i hope it all works out well enough next time. I'm typing this is large chunks because it will be too wordy for anyone to read but i secretly want someone to know. You know how that feels like? Yup

oh hey look what i found

PUBERTY CHANGES PEOPLE SO MUCH I SWEAR. LOOK WHAT I FOUND. THANK GOD FOR ALL THESE PICTURES I TOOK BACK IN THE DAYS(WHICH WAS 2 YEARS AGO)

i wanna slap myself seeing this picture

why the fuck did i pile on make up when i was 11

WOOHOO AFTER CHINGAY IN 2009

and i thought my hair was cool. shoot me pls.

trying to be some bad ass lulllll i want to slap myself

then in 2010 my hair grew out, and i had braces
BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN I COULD STILL BUN MY HAIR FOR PRACTICE
then i became sensible enough to wear a checkered top
i look like a whore here wtf, then poof i permed my hair WORST DECISION EVA.

oh hello there old lady~
2011 - My first week in TK, wearing spectacles

and out of no where i decided to chop my hair short
and as my hair grew longer, my inner-stupidity grew bigger
....and bigger
and finally my hair grew out decently

and this is what i look like yesterday.

A FEW YEARS FROM NOW, I WILL LOOK AT MY CURRENT PHOTOS AND CRITIC MYSELF ONCE AGAIN LUL I WILL FOREVER BE EMBARRASSING MYSELF UNTIL THE DAY I GROW OLD BUT THAT'S OKAY I LIKE IT THAT WAY:-) COMPARATIVELY, MY LOOKS HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH OVER THE 2 YEARS SPAN AND SO IS MY VIEW OVER CERTAIN THINGS. WHO SAYS GROWING UP ISN'T FUN?

10 random thoughts

1. Coming in second is equivalent to being the first loser (lol can't believe I live by this everyday)

2. I will one day shove pink glitter into a pill capsule and name it the cure to scene and emochix

3. I HAVE YET TO COMPLETE ANTM CYCLE 16 DAMN YOU SARA WHY YOU GO HOME I WANT TO CRAI

4. "the animal is known to be extremely sensitive to the smell of blood, women who are menstruating ought to take extra precaution" HAHAHAHAHA LOL WHAT WOULD THE ANIMAL DO? SNATCH YOUR UNDIES? DISCOVERY CHANNEL IS HILLARIOUS HAHAHA :'-)

5. Why did the seller of my Marc jacobs bagpack lie to me that it fits A4 when it doesn't!!!!! There goes my savings of 3 weeks good job

6. DO DOGS BARK IN THEIR MOTHER TONGUE LANGUAGE TO OTHER DOGS OF THE SAME BREED?

7. DO DOGS EVEN HAVE A MOTHER TONGUE LANGUAGE?

8. I miss my long hair so much, I shall grow it out, and shave the bottom with shapes and bun up my hair woohoo sounds good:-)

9. I'm getting my helix piercing by this week this is worth waiting for

10. HOW THE SHIT AM I SUPPOSE TO TELL MY MUM ABOUT MY RESULTS AND GET HER TO SIGN MY REPORT SLIP??? IM OFF TO PREPARE A SCRIPT AND A SPEECH OF APOLOGY(yea right) GOOD BAI